27 - Kindle My Heart To Ashes

Devon

"Always make sure the last words you say to somebody are special and meaningful. For who knows, it could be the last time you get to see them. And how would you feel if the last thing you said was something horrible?" That's what Mom used to say to me when Killian would be mean and I'd say something mean to him. It sometimes helps to take that into consideration often.

"Devon… Devon! Wake up! Hurry!"
"Leave me alone, Killian!" I growled, turning in the bed.
"Devon! It's important! Seriously, wake the hell up!" he yelled, shaking me horrendously.
I growled and finally got up and glared at his fuzzy frame.
"What? What's wrong with you?"
"It's Dad! He got into a really bad wreck and he's in the hospital!"
"Huh?" I said, grabbing my glasses.
Killian sat next to me as I put my glasses on and sat up, with difficulty. I apparently had gotten just a little bigger overnight.
"Dad didn't look too good last night when he brought you home. He was taking Rory to school this morning and… Mom got a call from Dr. Ross that said Dad had been rushed to the hospital after being in a really bad car accident. He said that he's hurt really bad."
"Wh-what about Rory?"
"Rory's a little banged up but apparently, according to Dr. Ross, he said that Dad protected her. He said that he got hurt so bad because he actually unbuckled his seatbelt and protected her."
"That's impossible."
"He said he has witnesses who say they saw it. They say the crash was happening and they saw Dad jump out of his seat and grab Rory to him because that's where the car was coming."
"I'm not saying he c-couldn't do it but doing it like that is impossible. Even for good ole Dad…"
"What's up with you? Did something happen?"
"Yeah, this thing. This disgusting thing that's happening to me. It's all his fault… It's all his fault!"
Killian narrowed his eyes at me and stood up in front of me.
"Did you say something to Dad last night?" he said, pointing at me. "What did you say to him?"
"What does it matter?"
"'What does it matter?' What the hell has gotten into you, Devon?! Whatever you said to him really hurt him! He looked like someone had stolen his heart and stomped on it, thrown it to the dogs! WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"
"I don't have to t-tell you."
Killian breathed heavily through his nose and crossed his arms.
"I don't know what's wrong with you, but you're acting like a complete spoiled brat! You act like you're the only one who had to go through this or something! I had to go through it too and I never acted like this!"
"What are you my f-father!? It's his fault we had to go through this."
"And he tried everything he could for us not to!"
"Why do you get to be mad but I don't? About this whole situation?"
"Because I didn't practically kill my own father! I didn't say something that would hurt him like that!"
"Unless he was the one who w-wanted to get into that crash…"
Killian clenched his fists and got really close to my face.
"What did you say to him you little shit?! I'm not playing now! What did you say to him!?"
"I told him that I hated him and that I wished we'd n-never been born."
Killian's mouth dropped and he pulled away from me.
"Y-You said that? Such a horrible thing?"
"It's how I feel."
"Damn it, Devon! I felt the same way but I never voiced it! If Dad dies then it will be your fault! You broke his heart, you heartless bastard! I don't even know you anymore! You're not my brother… you're nothing! You're a hurtful thing that tears out the hearts of those he loves."
"At least I don't have worms in my brain like a piece of fruit."
"Yeah. Because being a dick is so much cooler. I'd love to be like you, pregnant and full of malice. I hope your stomach blows up and baby flies everywhere. I hope it punches a hole in your stomach and your spine breaks like Dad's… I hope the kid grows up and hates you just as much as you hate Dad. Even more so, I hope things go horrible for you from now on."
"Why are you-"
"Don't you dare ask me why. You brought this on yourself. Dad almost died for us and yeah, I wasn't too happy to learn that nor was I happy to learn that I could be pregnant like him, but damn it, Devon, I never… I… forget it. Why am I speaking to you?"
Killian left the room and I looked at my stomach. It wasn't doing anything right now and I didn't really feel too good. I got up and went to the bathroom, throwing up.

After what seemed like forever, my mind was clear and I stood up from the toilet, going to the mirror to look in it. I put my glasses on and looked up at the glass. I stared for a long time at myself and I finally put my hand on the glass and drew two horns in soap on my head. I was a devil… a horrible demon who cared nothing for anyone. But as I looked, I saw my eyes and then I saw Dad. I remembered the pain he went through. I remembered the sound of the crack when one of us kicked him in the spine and broke it.
I saw my father in my eyes and I also saw what I didn't see yesterday, after I told him what I said: I saw the look of anguish. It didn't show very much on his face but it sure did in his eyes. What happened to me? What did I do? What have I done?! I smashed the mirror with my fist, breaking it into shards, and I waddled as fast as I could to my room. I got dressed and went to go find a trolley to catch to get to the hospital. Something happened to me a lot like what happened to Killian except it was mentally. I couldn't do anything physically but mentally… verbally… Please! Please be alright! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!

I entered the hospital and ran to the nurse's station, asking where my dad was. She told me the number and told me that he was going to be alright. I ran to the elevator and down the hall to his room. I found everyone standing outside the room as I ran up (as fast as I could anyway). The first one to look at me was Killian, who gave me a menacing look back at me, and turned away. The next one was Joe, who broke away from the group and walked over to me.
"Where have you been?" he asked, angrily.
I didn't answer him because I was ashamed beyond recognition. I was more than ashamed… There's nothing that could describe how bad I felt about what I had said, what I had caused. Killian was right and I caused him to crash, however it happened.
"Devon, where have you been?"
I didn't answer him again and I just sank to my knees, tears streaming from my face.
"He's d-dead, isn't he?" I said, gripping my shirt. "I k-killed him and he's dead, right?"
Joe crossed his arms and glared at me.
"No. He's fine actually. He almost died though… Apparently, it happened to be your fault or something." He watched me but I still said nothing. "That's all he said when he came in. 'Is Rory alright?' was the first thing and then the next was 'He hates me. Devon hates me.' What did you do? What did you say?"
"The obvious!" I wailed, crying as hard as I could.
People were looking at me now but I didn't care. I really didn't care anymore.
"You said that you hated him?" I nodded. "Why?"
"I don't know… I don't know…"
"You can't not know, Devon. That's not something you just say to someone and not know why. Devon…"
"That's not what I mean… I know why I said it, but I don't know why."
"You're not making sense."
"Is he alright? I want to see him. I want to see him to t-t-tell him I'm sorry."
"Yeah, he's alright. He had to have surgery because a huge shard of metal was lodged in his side. If it hadn't been for the fact that your father is Sokanaru, he would have died quickly. It would have killed him instantly had he not has the sense to keep it in until the paramedics arrived… He's unconscious for now but…"
I got up and walked past my family, who all shunned me, and I opened the door. I saw Mom holding Dad's hand and she turned at the door opening. She gave me a look and turned back to Dad. I slowly walked over.
"He did everything he could to make sure you never had to go through what he went through. He did everything he possibly could for you and Killian to not have to go through this and you… you throw it back at him like he wanted it for you. Like he had planned it all along."
"I know that what I said was wrong. I don't know what came over me when it happened. It was like my mind was t-t-taken over or something and so it decided to hurt… make me say things."
"Don't make up things."
"I'm not… I p-promise, Mom… I'm not. Something happened to me, like with Killian and his anger. Please, you have to believe me. I need someone to believe me."
"I can't just do that, Devon. You've hurt your father in a place where bandages can't wrap and peroxide can't heal. I can't do anything when I don't know what to do. Only you can fix this and I don't think there will a chance. You cut too deep for patches, my son."
Mom stood up and started to leave.
"W-what do I say?"
"I don't know. Whatever you think is appropriate."
I turned back to Dad and she left.
I sat next to him and watched him as he breathed. He looked troubled and in a lot of pain. I lifted the bed sheets to see if I could see where he was hurt but all I saw was gown. I sighed and took his hand.
"Dad… Please, forgive me…"
He breathed in deep and opened his eyes a little, just slits, nothing much. He looked over at me and his eyebrows furrowed. He snatched his hand out of mine and turned over away from me. My heart broke, for I knew that Mom was right and I had hurt him way too deep for apologies to mend.