Visage: 28

If I grow to love you anymore, I won’t be able to tell you how much I truly do love you. I won’t be able to measure it in terms you’d understand, words you’d figure out, or ways you’d comprehend. My love will be so large and encompassing that you’ll love me back and never even know what’s happened.

We walked in the marketplace side by side, not saying anything to each other. Mustang had his hands in his kimono sleeves, looking so regal and beautiful that I felt like an ugly chicken beside him. Everyone was waving to us and a couple of people even talked to Mustang as if he hadn’t turned into a raging lunatic. He was very polite and I felt like I was really seeing him for the first time.
We ended up going to a small lake that had beautiful cherry blossom trees in bloom around it and a pathway to walk on. We still walked in silence.
“This place is really pretty.”
“Yes, it is.”
I made a face. I’m not good at small talk.
“Mustang-“
“I don’t like it when you call me that.” I shut my mouth from what I was going to say as he stopped walking and turned to me. “I like it when you call me Erebus.”
“But your name is Mustang.”
“All that name does is remind me of my horrible life… Erebus was when I started a new life and met you. Having you call me Mustang just… it just reminds me of how I’m supposed to kill you.”
“Well you don’t have to…” I mumbled.
“No you don’t really get it. As soon as Grythim finds me, he’ll make me try as best as he can. I won’t have any control. The strings are still here just… just not as long but just as thick.”
“Can I… can I ask why you’re trying to kill me? What have I ever done to deserve this?”
“Lived.” I turned my head at him. He took one of his hands out and cupped my chin. “You’re not supposed to be alive. You’re a paradox, an anomaly.”
“What do you mean?”
Mustang sighed. “A Repo Man is a man that repossesses something. The Repo Men of the dimensions are the legal assassins meant to collect those whose payments have not been fulfilled or were broken.”
“But… what do you mean that I’m not supposed to be alive? I am, aren’t I?”
“Of course, but you died when you were born. Something happened, I don’t know the details. All I know is that Grythim offered your mother your life back if she gave up the one thing a mother needs: her heart. Any loving mother would gladly give her heart in order to see her child be alive, and that’s just what happened. You came back but your mother was never a mother because she couldn’t love. By Grythim’s control, I found your mother’s heart and gave it back to her, which nulled the contract between her and Grythim and this, you became on the wanted list.”
“But that wasn’t my fault.”
“It doesn’t matter. Anyone who was not brought back by royalty or the council is considered an anomaly and must be eradicated. There are those purposely on my list as a sick joke that I’m supposed to kill. My uncle is one of them and the one on the top of everyone’s lists is Tibby.”
“Lacuna’s dad? Why him?”
“Tiberius Jackson is the only human to be brought back not just once, but twice. He has so many things against him that he is just on all the RM’s lists.”
“And your uncle?”
“He was brought back by Imada using a slightly illegal method. Just because he is a Space and Time kitsune doesn’t mean that he can necessarily do what he did. Imada is on the council but the council has to unanimously do it at the same time and there is a time limit for kitsunes to bring people back. It’s all very complicated and not what I wanted to talk about on this walk.”
“I’m sorry… This was supposed to be a nice outing, wasn’t it?”
“I’m used to things going downhill.” He said, turning away and walking.
I ran after him and tried to keep up.
“Mu- Erebus… Wait…” I said, grabbing his arm. He stopped walking and that was about it. “Erebus, I want you to be okay. I want you to be able to walk with me and not feel guilty or whatever.”
“That won’t happen but it’s nice of you to try… I thought maybe things would work themselves out but…”
I walked around to the front of Mustang and reached up, grabbing his face and making him look at me.
“You need to stop this self-depredating. All you do is make your own pity parties. Look, there are plenty of people who stand up for you that you don’t realize do. They put their lives on the line for you and keep you safe. You’re too caught up in what you’ve done to see where you can go or see what others have sacrificed for you to get there.”
Mustang looked at me for a moment but pulled away and I could see the tears in his eyes. I don’t think he realized that there were still those who cared. I needed to hear everything about what’s happened to him to even comprehend the slightest things that were going through his mind. I knew a lot but I needed to know his side of the story.
“Mu- Erebus… Erebus, please look at me.”
“This wasn’t supposed to be the way things were to go. It was supposed to be a nice fucking walk.” He snarled, turning fully and walking away from me.
He wasn’t getting away. I wasn’t going to let him walk away from me. I ran and grabbed him around the waist and he stopped walking.
“Stop it! STOP! Stop hurting yourself. Stop thinking that there’s no hope for you, that no one can ever love you… Mustang, I love you.”
“Don’t say things that aren’t true. When we walk out of this dimension, I’ll try to kill you again. I have no control no matter how hard I try. You only ‘love’ me because I saved you and I was weak at one time. Do you know how many bad things I’ve done? How many people I’ve actually killed and tortured?” He pushed my arms from around me and glared at me. “You have no idea how many horrible things I’ve done! You don’t love me!”
“You know nothing about me and I do love you. I loved you before I knew you were Mustang, when you were just Erebus. I loved you (differently) when you were a little boy watching movies with me in a containment field. I loved you even when I thought you were crazy… I know your past from everyone else but I don’t know it from your point of view. I don’t understand why you won’t let me love you.”
“Stop begging.” He snarled. “This was a horrible idea. I don’t know why I thought this was smart. Go away.”
“Mustang-“
He consumed himself in fire and I balled up my fists.
“GOD DAMMIT!” I screamed, completely angry with myself for being a complete loser.
How could I make someone as broken as him realize that he was wanted?

“You lost my brother?” Bentley said when I came back alone, sake cup in hand and her other on her hip.
“Shut up.”
“It’s no secret. People in town said they heard someone scream like a banshee in the park. Figured it was you and because you’re dirty, sweaty, and look like shit, you must have pissed off Mustang.”
“He pissed his own self off. He’s more emotional than a woman on menopause. I just don’t understand…”
“No one does. That is the enigma known as Mustang, the emotional rollercoaster that never stops.”
“You seem to get him pretty well.”
“We’re twins and connected in ways most people aren’t. As phoenix twins as well, we have a bond deeper than most. I understand the things he does far better because I can feel the emotions behind them.”
“I want to understand him like that.”
“Well if you want to be weird and go back to be his twin…” I glared at her. “I’m saying that that’s how hard it will be for you to understand him. No one understands him… he doesn’t even understand himself so how can you ever do it?”
“There has to be some way…”
“Be gentle.” We both looked over at Betty as she knitted something. “That boy needs someone to be gentle and love him.”
“I told him I loved him-“
“No.” She looked at me. “You have the right idea but you don’t know how to do it. You must dig deep within your heart and try to understand why he is the way he is. What would you do? How scared would you be? How childish would you remain just to keep the memories from overtaking your soul? Do you love him enough to think about the mental traumas he’s endured? If you had to watch your mother die in front of you because our father stole you and treated her with such harshness, could you stay as strong as him? These are the questions you must ask to understand him. Can you do it?”
I breathed in and nodded.
“Yes, I can.”
“Then I suggest you start. It takes Mustang a while to calm down.”
I nodded a little.
“And you need to wash yourself, cuz you smell like ass crack.” Bentley said with a hiccup.
I flicked her off.
I decided that the best way to think of things is at the onsen. There were no Jacuzzis around so an onsen was the next best thing.

I got into the warm pool of water and sighed, leaning my head back. I was filthy but the hot water felt so good on my skin. I then began to think all that Betty had told me. I was so entrenched in what I was thinking about what I didn’t feel someone getting into the water with me. I also didn’t feel how close the person was to me.
“Are you sleeping?”
I opened my eyes and gasped, seeing Mustang. Instead of doing what my instinct told me to do (which was to slap him), I watched him for a moment. He was studying me and I realized the he was waiting for a reaction of some sort.
“No, I’m not sleeping.”
“I was going to say that doing that is a good way to die.”
I bit my tongue on what I was going to say and just smiled.
“Well, at least you’re here to catch me if I fall, right?”
Mustang blinked and then smiled a little.
“Yeah…”
“Can I tell you a secret?” I whispered.
He came closer to me in the water, putting his hand behind me on the wall and looked at me curiously.
“Yes.”
I gently pulled my arms out of the water and wrapped my hands around his neck. He didn’t move as I let my fingers go through his beautiful golden hair that was like fire on his head. I was surprised that he didn’t try to do anything, just let me do what I wanted. I then moved my hands to his face and rubbed his face softly with my thumbs. He watched me intently and I let my hands fall back to the water. I looked away and acted shy.
“Never mind… you’ll think it’s so silly.”
I tried to leave the little cul-de-sac but Mustang put his arm in front of me and turned me so that I was facing him again.
“Nothing you ever say is silly.”
I decided that now was not the time to bring up the fight we just had. Damn, Betty was right about all this stuff! He put his hands on either side of my head on the stone behind me and leaned in.
“Tell me.”
I gulped a little but reached up and touched his face softly. I got closer to his face, our lips almost touching.
“I love you.” I whispered.
Mustang’s nose was touching mine a little and his lips lingered over mine. His lips finally touched mine and he kissed me so passionately that I lost all of my bearings and wrapped my arms and legs around him. He lifted me up into his arms as we continued to kiss. We stopped once and he breathed heavily.
“I… I love you too…” he whispered, sincerity coming out of every orifice of his body. “I’m sorry that I can’t be normal for you.”
“Don’t ever apologize for being you.” I said, pulling him into another kiss.